From timeless classics like the crisp, white tee to the formal button-up, your shirt style tells the world who you are. While it may seem cruel and shallow, we have to admit that we spend most of our day silently judging everyone in our line of sight for their wardrobe style. So, if you are wondering what your particular style says about you then we invite you to read on!
We asked our part-time custodial intern and resident stylist, Jefferson, about what your fashion choice says about you. These are his opinions, so don’t cry to us if he made fun of you.
Classic Fitted White Tee
Well hello there Mr. Hollywood! Nothing makes you look more manly than a perfectly clean and tailored white shirt. Don’t be fooled by the inexpensive tee’s sold in bundles in department stores, these things need to cost at least $100 each or they are dead to me. If you are worried about which size to buy just remember that smaller is always better.
Vintage Tee
Oh wow look how cool you are in your Harley Davidson t-shirt. Pshhhh, you probably can’t even name like three of his songs you poser. This vintage tees fad has got to go. They never smell good, the armpits have stains, and they never fit quite right. My grandfather used to always say, “Wear your own damn clothes” and I never really understood why but it makes sense in this situation.
Political Shirts
Hey, remember that one time we changed everyone’s minds because of that t-shirt you wore?
Me neither.
Band Shirt
Here is a list of acceptable bands:
- Fiveskin
- Chicago
- Two Doors Down
- Fourskin
- Jet Black Pope
- Just The Tip
- Muscle Confusion
-
Mortician
Stoney Tony Tee
Now this is the kind of shirt that someone wears with confidence! Notice the crisp colors, the fresh screen print, and the durable stitching. I can’t believe people buy other shirts when this one is available. You see someone walking down the street and they got this on, what are you gonna do? I’ll tell you what you are gonna do, you’re following that person to wherever the party is at!
Sweater Vest
You’re probably reading this thinking I am about to slam dunk on the nerds that wear vests but I have to say, these ugly things make sense. You lose tons of body heat when your belly is exposed to the elements but for some reason, your arms don’t care at all. Plus, if you are saving yourself until marriage you can rest easy knowing nobody is ever going to F–K you while you're wearing one... Unless you started a website and sold it for a billion dollars.
V-Neck Shirt
I’m sorry, did I bump my head and wake up in 2004? There was never anything wrong with the classic collar. Why did they think they needed to change it? This shirt sucks and I hate it. Sometimes it’s ok to wear a v-neck though, like if you are going to a club in Atlantic City or if you’re Dwayne Johnson.
Football/Hockey/Baseball Jersey
Do you ever wish there was some sort of device that would be able to tell us whether or not someone peaked in high school? Turns out, the device is called our eyes. Whenever you see someone wearing one of these polyester sweat bags it's usually a good indicator that a fight is about to go down sooner or later. Be extra cautious around people sporting teams from flyover states as they tend to be even more rambunctious. I know whenever I rock my LA Sparks jersey from the year they won the WNBA I’m about to have a crazy night.
